It's unlikely you're becoming a narcissist if you're aware of what's going on lol but either way, work on becoming more self aware and recognizing your ego, journaling and meditation can help with this. You can give yourself a prompt that is one of your thoughts and then go from there, for example "I feel the need to prove myself. Why? To make myself feel better about myself. What does that have to do with other people, how is proving myself to them supposed to make me feel better? Because I base my self worth around other people's opinions, if they tell me I suck I believe them which means it's true that I suck so I think that if they praise me that means I don't suck so I must impress them at all times to make sure I definitely don't suck. Has proving myself ever been a defining factor in developing any of the friendships I've ever had in my life? No it hasn't, people usually become and stay friends with me because of how I act towards them/my character, not because they think my piano playing is impressive" and so on
Just keep on asking why what and how both about yourself and other people in similar scenarios but different feelings eg someone doing something but not because they're trying to prove themselves or impress others. You should get better at it over time so just take it slow and start with meditating for a couple minutes and jotting down a couple words, it's better to start small so that you don't end up expecting yourself to meditate for half an hour every day and always fill up a couple pages of your journal. Learn about the purpose of the ego, stoic perspective on the opinions of others and so on
The more you do those things, the more you'll start to notice your ego in the every day life. Don't bash yourself for it, be kind to yourself and accept that you're human and imperfect. Just approach it with the mindset of "oh hey that's my ego, how interesting. :) Good to see you!" like you would a child warning you about something out of their imagination. Read philosophy, doesn't have to be just stoicism, Buddhism can also offer you a perspective on the ego for example. Meditate of what you read and think about how what you read relates to it. "Ego is the enemy" by Ryan Holiday is an accessible book that gets into it. You can even start by just watching videos about the ego if you wanna try out that shift in thinking before diving deeper into it. Write down any quotes that stick with you, you can eventually use them as reminders that you repeat to yourself to keep your ego in check to help you become more self aware and secure in yourself or you can create some from scratch like "Somebody being better than me at something doesn't take away from my worth. I'm here to live a virtuous life and as long as I do my best at it that's enough". You might also wanna look into CBT therapy, it's similar to stoicism and there's a great book about it by David Burns called "Feeling Great" but there are others. A variety of things can work for dealing with your ego so just try out a bunch
You can also try humbling yourself once in a while by trying out something you're a complete newbie at, letting yourself suck without thinking badly of yourself and just leaving it at that so you never end up proving yourself in that area. Even better if you do it with a group of people but I think that's a bit more advanced
I'm seeking some advice/wondering if anyone has experience or has found some good tactics for dealing with a narcissist at work.
I work for a large, well-known tech company and throughout my 10+ year career have crossed paths with a type of persona - very loud in meetings, dominating, knocks people down to elevate themself. Currently I am working with a woman who is slightly more senior than I am and has been at the company longer than I have. Let's call her Ava. Ava expresses her opinions about my work and my goals, and questions me openly in front of large team forums. Ava does not work in my field and has very little expertise (0 years of experience) in what I do. I feel it is important to stick up for myself and not just let Ava knock me down in front of large groups, as I notice that others on the team start to emulate this behavior when they see senior people do it.
Recently, in a larger meeting (10-15 people), Ava was debating me and referenced a VP (more senior stakeholder)'s feedback as proof that she was right and I was wrong. The VP was not present and I had been in the meeting where they gave feedback. I felt Ava was mis-representing the VP's feedback to try to put me down. I felt very caught off guard and overwhelmed and unsure of the best way to deal with it. I ended up speaking up for myself as calmly as I could, but also made it clear that I had a different perception than she did.
This seemed to piss Ava off and she ended up emailing my manager. I like my job and most of the people I work with, and I have a supportive manager (but the relationship is new as I have not been reporting to her for very long).
Has anyone been in a similar situation? What has worked well for you? I also spoke about this with my therapist and realize that I am probably trying to control this situation to avoid feeling hurt or weak, but I may not be able to control every situation like this since my company/industry seems to attract and promote these types of people like Ava, unfortunately.
Thanks for reading! Appreciate any insight you can offer.